The Trump Chronicles: Episode #1 — ‘We’re Going to Lose.’

If Trump hasn’t been filming his four years in the Oval Office and beyond, then he’s really dumber than I think. Because there’s no way that such a media production wouldn’t set an all-time viewing record on Netflix, plus earn a gazillion dollars when it came out on a CD.

So, I’m going to pretend the video already exists and give you a sample of how it will play when it’s released. Dialog in caps — explanation and screen directions in brackets.

RUDY — WE’RE LOSING! A WEEK TO GO AND WE’RE FUCKING LOSING THIS FUCKING ELECTION! [Rudy Giuliani rushing into the Oval Office, banging up against the Resolute desk and stumbling in a drunken stupor onto a couch.]

TRUMP — PULL YOURSELF TOGETHER GODDAMNIT. [Trump is talking into the phone and to Rudy at the same time.] IT’S NOT WHAT HAPPENS NEXT WEEK WHICH MATTERS. THEY STILL HAVE TO COUNT THE VOTES.

RUDY — THAT’S WHAT I’M TALKING ABOUT! [Rudy is standing up, weaving back and forth, obviously under the influence.] THEY START COUNTING THE MAIL-IN VOTES IN THE NEXT COUPLE OF DAYS! [Starts toppling back onto the couch. Trump’s son-in-law, Jared Kushner, now appears on camera, grabs Rudy around the waist and holds him upright.]

TRUMP — WE’LL GET THAT COCKSUCKER AFTER THE ELECTION. [Trump says this into the…